ADVENTURES OF MIKE AND MATTIE

I was checking out some old computer files of mine and ran across this lengthy story I wrote around nine years ago while I was unemployed. Read on if you dare (or if you're bored).

THE ADVENTURES OF MIKE AND MATTIE

I am now adding Veterinarian and Master Psychologist to my list of "Jack of All Trades, Master of None" Titles. After a week of coaxing, cussing, praying, etc., that Mattie (our year old poodle-mix puppy), would get over her bout with constipation, I have discovered her problem - she's a teenager. A little background first...

Approximately two weeks ago, I noticed our little "girl" was going through some physiological changes. More specifically, it wasn't an open wound I discovered on my arm as I put Mattie down after taking her out to her favorite spot on the front lawn. (This from a man who wouldn't even consider having an inside dog four years ago. Now I'm carrying the stupid mutt to her favorite spot to do her business because I don't want her paws to get wet and track on my newly vacuumed carpet.)

Much to my heterosexual male dismay, Baby Mattie had now become "Miss Mattie" (on my arm, no less.) Miss Mattie was now a full-fledged young lady...a doggie teenager to be exact. Of course I immediately called Melissa at work, much like a parent who had witnessed their child's first foot steps.

"Are you sure that's what it was?" asked my disbelieving wife.

"Well I wasn't making tomato soup for lunch," I replied sarcastically. (In the year since my "down-sizing", I've become a pretty good cook. So add that to my list of titles too.)

Upon hanging up with Melissa, I decided to go online to become more educated on Mattie's situation. Needless to say, you get some pretty off the wall websites when you type "bitches in heat" in your Internet browser.

After perusing numerous bonafide veterinary websites, I determined there wasn't much we could do for Mattie except not answer the front door if we heard loud barking. (Neighborhood dogs are very creative when it comes to gaining access to aforementioned "bitches in heat". One Internet message board verified that 12 foot fences are useless in keeping male dogs at bay.)

As usual, my wife decided to take the more practical but boring approach - she called our vet. (Heck, anybody can do that...try surfing through 20 websites entitled "Bitches in Heat" in less than an afternoon; that's what I'm talking about!)

The vet said we could buy a doggie pamper and put a feminine pad in it to keep her from...well, you get the picture. She also said it would last approximately 2 to3 weeks and this would only happen a couple of times a year. (Thank God it's not every month.)

Although neither the vet nor the Internet indicated we should expect side effects, they were pretty much standard: loss of appetite (although she gave M&M commercials her undivided attention), listlessness, and she didn't want me to touch her (wait a minute, that wasn't Mattie).

After a week of this, we discovered a new problem, Mattie was having problems focusing when she needed to "do the doo", so to speak. She would circle and circle and circle like crazy, then just when you thought she would complete the transaction, she would squat and SPRITZ. Talk about anti-climactic!

I would stand next to her giving encouragement, my breath shallow with anticipation, "Come on Mattie, be a GOOD girl! Oh, oh, oh, oh.....uuuggghhh!" (It's like when your toddler decides to begin feeding himself, steadily guiding the food to his mouth, and then spooning the food into his eye at the last minute...sheer disappointment.)

I can deal with this frustration during the day (thank God for videotape so I don't miss Oprah), but at 4 AM in the morning, it gets a little old. If your neighbors happen to be up at 4 in the morning and look out the window at you trying to coax your dog into taking a healthy crap, they will probably start avoiding your house at Halloween. (Wait, that could be a GOOD thing.)

After spiking her food with mineral oil and considering a full lube job (for the dog, not me), I was at my wit's end. The mineral oil did succeed in her little tummy percolating, but she was still doing her circle, circle,circle, spritz, dance. Then finally it happened!

After a full morning of Mattie playing "Oh Danny Boy" on her internal bagpipes, she came to me and scratched my arm frantically. I figured either she was really ready to "go", or she accidentally stepped on the remote control and changed the TV to some doggie operation on Animal Planet.

Looking deep into her eyes, I recognized the look! It was the same look I saw in the mirror after drinking a gallon of Go-Litely the day before my colonoscopy. Sheer terror! (Terror, when you realized the bathroom was 25 feet away instead of the standard 4 feet recommended on the label.)

I gushed words of encouragement as I attached her leash, "I have faith in you Mattie. I know you can do it!"

"Remember, you'll get a treat if you dump!" (Who's idea was it to give a dog a treat if they crap on your front lawn? No one ever gives me treats; although everyone does light matches as if they were at a concert wanting an encore.)

Sure enough, the dance began. Circle, circle,circle...HOUSTON, THE EAGLE HAS LANDED! Sheer joy entered my soul as I watched her grimace, and then prance off after a job well done. I stared in utter amazement at the future fertilizer lying on my front lawn. I could have sworn it glistened in the sunlight,but it was actually the tears of joy and sheer exhaustion that gave the starlight effect.

"GOOD GIRL!", I exclaimed as I picked her up. The grass wasn't even wet. SHE EARNED this piggyback ride! I was overwhelmed with a sense of accomplishment as she munched on her doggie treat. We overcame this temporary setback together...as a team!

The elation was short lived, however. This morning we stepped onto the grass, a dog and her coach, heads held high, proudly showing the neighborhood that we weren't weirdos after all. We reached the spot, equal distance between the Red Oak and the Live Oak, 3.5 feet from the sidewalk...OUR SPOT.

The music played, the dance began. Circle, circle,circle, spritz...SPRITZ? What happened to circle,circle, circle, THUD? We stumbled through our intimate Tango of joy was as if we both had two left feet (in her case it would be four left feet, if you're counting).

"MATTIE! GO POTTIE!" I exclaimed. She looked at me with her big brown eyes that seemed to say, "What do you think I just did? You moron!"

I shuffled into the house, much like Ozzy does on the Osbournes, mumbling expletives under my breath (although with a Texas accent, not English). After my prayer and meditation time, I decided to let Mattie romp around in the back yard. We both could use the fresh air.

I scanned the back yard for Mattie, who was conspicuously quiet. In a secluded spot of the yard, unannounced and flying solo was my little "girl", "dancing" alone! Then it dawned on me. She wasn't hurting. There was nothing physiologically wrong with her body. It's psychological...she's too VAIN to poop in front of her "papa"!

Why? BECAUSE SHE'S A TEENAGER! A sense of ultimate satisfaction envelops me as I prepare to add VETERINARIAN and PSYCHOLOGIST to the plaques on my office wall. I'm too smart for my own good!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

After last week's relatively easy ride at McAllister Park, I decided to test myself a little more today, so I went to OP Schnabel to ride. OP is a better test of my stamina, as it is more technical and has more climbs than Mac.

As I suspected, the result was quite different. Although still respectable, I rode almost 10 miles in almost two hours. I had to stop frequently for breaks and they were a bit longer than usual. I am starting to really feel the difference from riding in the cool weather to now riding in heat. Hot weather is very taxing.

There were several people on the trails and at the park in general. It was a beautiful morning and I had no ill effects from my injuries. My wrist held up fine, although I did notice my legs were considerably more tired than last week due to the climbing. All in all, it was a good workout.

Weight Watchers update: I am now at 15 lbs lost since starting in January; I now weigh 220 lbs. I am keeping my short term goals to 5 pound increments, so I hope to hit 215 in the next few weeks. Baby steps....

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there! I made my annual calls and texts after my ride, so now I'm going to settle in for an afternoon of sports and a nap!

Big Dog out!

FIRST RIDE BACK

Friday the wrist specialist examined the progress of my wrist sprain and gave the okay to start riding again. Yay! Not riding the last month has driven me up the wall! I know I had to give my body a chance to heal, but riding a stationary bike bores me to death.

Not wanting to overdo it, I decided to ride my old tried and true trail, McAllister Park. Since it isn't that technical, I knew I would get a good workout to help me determine how out of riding shape I was. To my surprise, I did pretty well. I rode 9 miles in around an hour and a half. I probably could have ridden another 30 minutes, but I didn't want to press my first time out. Now, a couple of hours later, my wrist, neck, and back feel fine; no worse for the wear.

I promised Mel I wouldn't ride Salado Creek alone again, unless I buy one of the Spot location devices I mentioned last week. It's pretty expensive, so I don't want to get it right now. Besides, I can get my workouts in by riding McAllister, OP Schnabel, and Mudd Creek, until I buy the Spot, or find a riding buddy. At this point, I'm just glad to be riding again.

Since my old helmet was crushed in the accident, I had to buy a new one before the ride. Fortunately Performance Bike had helmets on sale this week. I tried several different brands, but still wound up selecting a Bell, as I did before. I went with the Bell Delirium, pictured below. Since I am a cabezon, it's hard to find helmets that fit me well. I was very pleased with the Delirium, and it was priced reasonably well.

All in all, I am very blessed to have survived the accident with only sprained body parts; it could have been much worse. For all the doubters, I am happy to be back on the "horse" again. Life's too short; I can't spend it living in fear, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's just not me. Until next time, Big Dog out!

SLOW HEALING

It's been three weeks since my accident and I'm still on the mend. I've never been injured this bad, so I'm not used to being inactive for so long. My wrist is still in a brace, but I have an appointment this week with the wrist specialist, so I hope he'll let me just wrap it and clear me to ride again.

I'm still having neck and back soreness, but I've eliminated the muscle relaxers at night, opting for ibuprofen instead. Mel has been wonderful, giving me neck and back rubs when needed. The most noticeable difference is my stress level. Riding my bike was my stress reliever and my body as well as my psyche miss it.

We are in the middle of our most stressful time of year at work and I need to get back on my bike. I know I could ride a stationary bike, or walk, but it's not the same. Anyone who rides regularly will understand; most others won't.

Mel and I had the pleasure of hosting Mom and David last weekend. They attended a bike rally in Austin on Sunday, so they spent Friday and Saturday with us. It's always great to spend time with them, and last weekend was no exception. It would have been nice to ride the trails with David again; maybe next time.

Mel still has some trepidation about me riding solo and rightly so. I found a locating device called SPOT, which offers a GPS locating service in case of an accident. http://www.findmespot.com/en/

For $99/yr, you get the device plus service. It seems pretty cool and if it alleviates Mel's fears of me riding again, it's a small price to pay. SPOT and a new helmet, and I should be good to go!

Last weekend when David was messing with his velos, I checked out my bike and it wasn't damaged as I thought. Instead of a broken derailleur hangar, the chain was jammed. Once I unjammed it and tweaked the settings a little, it was fine.

Well, another FIESTA has come and gone without us attending one event. When we didn't live here, Fiesta was a major event for us every year. Now that we live here, we hate dealing with the crowds, parking, possible DWIs, and the $7 beers. Instead, we watch the parades from the comfort of our living room, sipping tequila with beer chasers. Then when we're tired, we can stumble to our bed instead of driving home with one eye open to avoid double vision! MUCH safer.

Well, I guess I'll spend the rest of the day washing and watching the NFL draft on ESPN. It was hard to stomach Michael Crabtree going to the 49ers, so I hope Graham Harrell is actually drafted and by a decent team. (By that I mean, one I don't hate, like the niners.)

Until next time, Big Dog out...

ON THE MEND

Although my raccoon eyes would indicate otherwise, I feel pretty good, all things considered. Thank all of you for your prayers, concern, and words of encouragement. I know my family and friends care a great deal about my well being, and I appreciate that.

Reactions to my accident were varied and very interesting. Remarks ranged from "been there, done that" from fellow cyclists, to "I guess you'll give up mountain biking now", to "well, you know, you're not in your twenties any more", to advice on how to properly complete a jump. I have been very tactful in my responses, but had to bite my tongue listening to many because I know they were made out of concern for my well being.

For those who asked if I would give up mountain biking, my response would be "have you ever been in a car accident? Did you quit driving as a result?"

For those who said "you're not in your twenties any more", I would ask "what does age have to do with it?" It would be different if I was trying to do tricks like BMX or extreme bikers, but I wasn't. It would be different if I was racing against men half my age, but I don't.

Bottom line is, I enjoy mountain biking because it is good exercise and a good stress reliever. I don't look for opportunities to injure myself; in fact I am very careful most of the time. Obviously the two times I've been injured seriously, I wasn't as aware of my surroundings as I should have been. But I learn from my mistakes.

In reality, I am more fearful for my life every time I get in my truck to drive to work. With all the road rage, lunatics, drunk drivers, etc. on the road, the odds of me being in an auto accident are very high every time I leave the driveway.

With mountain biking, I am in control of the situation as long as I am aware of my surroundings. If I come to a technical part of the trail, I can always walk my bike or turn around; I do both regularly. I never ride without a helmet, I have a GPS, cell phone, first aid kit, whistle, etc, in my back pack at all times.

The trails I ride are usually within 100 to 200 yards of people's houses and are well traveled by bikers and hikers alike. I am actually very conservative when I ride, taking precautions while doing so. That doesn't mean I don't occasionally spaz out and forget to pay close attention to my surroundings, but with every ride I learn more. Just as I have learned from this latest miscue.

I feel safer riding trails than I would riding road bikes. I would much rather take my chances against rocks and roots, than a 2 ton car or truck. Again, you are not in control of others' actions.

I realize that I could easily get my exercise riding a stationary bike or lifting weights, but what fun is that? I like being outside, seeing new trails, and challenging myself. If you are a gym rat and like doing that stuff, more power to you. I would never ask you to mountain bike instead; different strokes.

I can't say enough about how Mel has handled this whole ordeal. It would have been very easy for her to berate or lecture me, or ask me to give up biking, but she didn't. She voiced her concern, but didn't do so in a condescending manner. She understands how important it is to me and realizes it was an accident. She knows I have learned from it.

Interestingly enough, the ER nurse, ER doctor, my own personal doctor, and my dentist, are all mountain bikers. In fact, when my GP examined me on Monday, he asked me "what would you differently on that trail? What did you learn?" He gets it. No condescending remarks, no judgment.

Again, thank you to all who expressed concern and gave words of encouragement. I know you care and have good intentions; I love you for it. Now if I can just figure out how to milk another week's worth of neck rubs from Mel....

I'D RATHER FIGHT THAN SWITCH!

Remember the old Lucky Strike cigarette ads where you'd see a picture of someone with a black eye, saying "I'd rather fight than switch"? I felt like that today.

Yesterday I mentioned the swelling on my forehead and bridge of my nose; today it turned into a black eye. According to the doctor, the blood from the contusion on my forehead seeped into the area around my eye, causing a horrible looking black eye.

It isn't painful, just bothersome because it almost was almost swollen shut last night. At least I could see better today, but it still looked awful. After lunch I came home to ice down my face and neck and the bruising started creeping to my other eye. What a sight!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the Orthopedist, to look at my wrist fracture. I hope he doesn't put me in a hard cast; that's a pain in the butt!

I hope your week is going better than mine...Big Dog out!

JOB WELL DONE

After Sunday's accident, I've been EXTREMELY sore and beat up, but I was able to work half days the last two days. My neck and back started hurting quite a bit late this morning, so I came home after lunch.

I ate, then took one of my little yellow muscle relaxers and took a nap. Imagine my surprise when I looked in the mirror and saw "Cat Man" staring back at me. It seems that swelling is a possible side-effect/allergic reaction to my medication, so it looks like I'll have to stick with Ibuprofen from now on, unless I go to a Trekkie convention as a Klingon!

My helmet performed as designed, taking the brunt of my fall. I took it outside to check it out in good light and decided to snap some pics of the damage. Pretty cheap insurance policy wouldn't you say? The outside is flattened and inside it cracked in numerous places. Job well done!